To be honest, I had no idea what to write about today. I even procrastinated to writing it this morning. Yup, it’s 7:29 AM and I have to leave for work in about 30 minutes. So instead of focusing on an ootd, which I did last week, I’m going to provide a little update on my personal life and add to my Layers of Jenn chapter.
For the past few weeks, I’ve been having built up anxiety. A bunch of factors in my life just started clashing and piling up its weight onto my shoulders. And for a while, I was able to hold it. But then the weight started to get too heavy, and I’d occasionally slip. Last week, I had a melt down. I’ve learned that I need to just talk about my feelings, as much as it pains me. So I opened up and talked it out.
I’m extremely worried about my exam next month, since I have fallen way behind on studying. Out of 4 textbooks, I barely finished 2. I think the worst part is that I can’t focus at home. I need it to be 12 AM for me to get work done when the house is asleep and this is not working out in my favor because I need sleep. I don’t understand how I used to pull all-nighters to study. I just can’t do that anymore. I don’t get enough sleep as it is with the weather messing with my back arthritis.
I love to keep busy and always have something to do, but lately it just hasn’t been working out since I have way too much to do now and I can’t seem to juggle everything. I have a bunch of collaborations coming up and ironically they are all falling in the same or similar time span. While I’m extremely happy, I didn’t realize how much work I’d need to put in to keep up with my Full Time job, studying, and blogging since it’s essentially a Full Time gig. I’ve been staying on point with my decision to have a new blog post every Wednesday. There have been so many instances where I want to break my streak, but I say to myself No.
While juggling everything, I want to make enough time to spend with my children (aka my bunnies) because two weeks ago my son was mad at me for an entire week and a half!!! I was flabbergasted that he can hold a grudge that long. And I really need time to myself. I feel like I’ve lost that and haven’t been paying attention to me. I’m a huge advocate for self-love and empowerment, but lately I’ve been feeling extremely depressed. I’m trying not to fall into old habits and patterns by talking more and not suppressing my feelings.
I actually tried to channel this energy into working out because when you feel good, you get better overall. But, I ended up hurting myself badly after day 1 of exercise. I didn’t even do any heavy lifting, which is why it makes me so mad, but I sprained my lower abdominal muscle that literally put me out of commission. For the first night I couldn’t even stand up straight. I thought I broke my belly. Sigh, recovery has been a week out and I thought I was good to go but I was told otherwise when I got up from bed one day. Status: still sprained. I can’t even attend Yoga anymore. Losing all my zen.
Also, the stress has been really eating at my core. I’m constantly not feeling well and anything I eat is not really agreeing with me. I think the anxiety is affecting my health. I’ve been trying to drink plenty of tea and have attempted to not really go out a lot but it’s so hard. When I do, I put on the everything-is-all-good mask. I conceal it all and it’s really troubling. All these events and plans are great and makes me forget about reality for just a second, but when it’s all said and done and I need to go home, I’m stressed. Especially when lately it’s been taking me 1.5-2 hours to commute home thanks to the MTA construction/delays/rerouting.
Though the above doesn’t seem like the world is ending, there are a lot of other personal issues that I’m being faced with right now. I’d love to voice them here, but I don’t feel like this is the right medium to do so. And while this was a glimpse back into Layers of Jenn (aka me), I feel like this post was mainly for me, to me. Writing has always been something I’ve been passionate about and for the longest while I’d prefer to write my feelings rather than voice them. I still do. I don’t know why but I’m not very good at sharing what’s bothering me in person. Writing is a whole different story.
I just need to take it one step at a time. Take some days to myself. I might go to a hotel to study and be isolated. Light more candles. Remember to breathe and try not to let myself drown.